saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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