If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
where does the pee come out of this thing
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
