Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
