wakey wakey hands off snakey
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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