Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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