Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize