I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My pussy is not your playground.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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