I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
