she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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