i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
