I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
