Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
