i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
