i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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