Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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