I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
