My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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