Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
