Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
