When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
