My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
