Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
