Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
