Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
