You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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