Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
BRING THE BAGELS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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