So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Say something about gay babies.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
