The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
