im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My bed is full of blood and feathers
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
