This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
