Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
