I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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