why didn't you poke me back
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
we made out on top of his cat.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
