the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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