So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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