Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
