when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Randomize
