Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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