it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
