I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i've created a new STD.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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