She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize