This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
