Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
