Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i think i have two assholes
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
