you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
false alarm. still invincible.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize