I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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