3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize