Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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