now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
