I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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