my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
