So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
