the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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