I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
