It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
