glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
