very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
