I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Houston, we have a squirter
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
