I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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