new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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