I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
