Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
