1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
